5 January 2016, Tuesday 8 am.
You are in the Father’s heart and you are given to me.
You are the manifestation of the Father’s love for me.
You are his love for me.
Yes, but ….
Silence is the heart of the Word.
At the depths of my heart there is that wonderful Silence,
still, full, present, holy, eternal, all pervading (vyāpti).
To hear the Word is to come to the Silence from whom the Word proceeds.
There we dwell, in Silence.
In your presence, yes, but your presence exceeds all that can be said.
Your Word proceeds from what exceeds.
With your presence I am satisfied,
from your presence I come.
You Word reveals the fullness of your presence.
Precisely because I am focused on your presence
I reveal your presence.
I am your presence.
17 January, 2016, Sunday 8 am
These sensations, delightful as they are, mean nothing to me
unless they are signs of your presence,
the perfume of your closeness, the touch of your hand,
and I know you.
Once I realize this,
they become overwhelming.
You teach me to recognize you.
30 January, 2016, Saturday 8 am
I plunge into the silence, the unknown, the dark,
deep down, without support, falling, falling ….
- it is into You who are beyond all names and forms.
I can fall because you are there.
31 January, 2106, Sunday 7 am
I will not accept anything less
than to be of one being with you, Father,
no gap, no barrier, no flaw,
to be with you, to rest in you,
there in silence, no images ……
10 March, 2016, Thursday 9 am
It is the vyāpti of the mantra,
the proclamation of the Word,
the broadcasting of the seed,
the universality of sexuality,
the sowing of the wild oats,
the satisfying of the many śaktis.
This is the stance,
21 March 2016, Monday 5.30 pm
O Goddess, I want to be in maithuna with you
at the fine point of the soul,
for there it is constant, intense, fine, delicate, amazing;
and from there to experience the downward flow
enlivening all the fibres of my being:
mental, emotional, in the imagination, in the flesh.
5 April, 2016, Tuesday 8.30 am
I am your Self-knowledge,
O Hidden One, O Mystery, O Beyond all names.
But now I shall become your Word.
To whom? To all?
20 April, 2016, Wednesday 5 am
Because you are there, I can let myself go,
dive deep into the welcoming, the astonishing presence
and be ‘I am’ in your ‘I am’.
I can let go more easily, more fully, more quickly.
Because you are there I can be nowhere,
be nothing and become everything,
free, unbounded, relaxing into the void, the infinite endlessness.
Your presence is not an obstacle but an open field, a vast expanse.
This is the act of abandoning myself to come to the Self,
leaving all so as to come to the All.
The leap into the dark reveals your Light.
Wonder, wonder, wonder.
22 April, 2016, Friday 7.30am
Where are you leading me,
into what darkness, what stillness and silence,
away from all ideas and desires?
- it is lovely here, so rich, so true
26 April, 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
What does the experience of kuṇḍalinī feel like? It is different for every person, but for me today and at many other times, it is like this.
There is at first an immense stillness, an absence of thinking about things; then there is a stirring, at the base of the spine, a contraction so to speak of the perineum, and a rising movement felt in the body, a sense of expansiveness and clarity of mind, a sense of openness and truth, a sense of universality touching all reality. This is very satisfying.
But it is not satisfying enough, until there is the śakti, the sense of the goddess. Then there is the need to focus on the goddess, on her freedom, her person, to enter into union with her, person-to-person, in mutual self-giving, mutual delighting. Then there is a sense of breathe to breath, body to body. Then begins the interplay that affects every faculty, and involves all reality. This will lead further, but the time of meditation finished, the alarm went off …..!
29 April, 2016, Friday 7.30 am
It is not a question of erotic fantasy,
which is an indication of introversion and unreality
but a question of forming the imagination
and allowing it to become what it is destined to be.
For the imagination, like the rest of the soul and body,
is destined to be tantric.
9 May, 2016, Monday 8.30 am
You give me your flesh to eat
so that there is one flesh;
and I feel your flesh in my flesh,
just as you want to feel my flesh in yours,
to feel from within, not just to see from without;
to feel and appreciate its goodness and truth,
its vitality, its perfect manifestation of the good,
and to enjoy its enjoyment,
so that what you enjoy I enjoy,
what I like you like, what you value I value;
accepted, liked, welcomed, joined and ‘you are one of us’,
of one flesh, one being, one heart, one body.
So I shall contemplate you as you contemplate me,
and as you take me into your own body
so I eat of your flesh and drink of your blood,
of like mind and like heart and purpose.
28 May, 2016, Saturday 7.30 am
As I walk through the streets or go to the shops or meet with friends,
there is the knowledge that secretly, truly, hidden,
my life is with you, Goddess, in our union.
That is where I live, in you, with you
and so the One is known.
And this justifies me.
14 June, 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
This is the great pleasure:
to be the everlasting fountain of life in you.
15 July, 2016, Friday 7.30 pm
Am I worthy of your inspiration?
Here I am, take me, inspire me, fill me with your power and
make me do things unimagined.
Make me the Image of the Unimaginable.
16 July, 2016, Saturday 9.15 am
You are there, Father, of us all.
You do nothing,
for you have put all responsibility into our hands.
You are and so we are;
we are what you are;
so we form our world as we wish,
according to our best instincts, our best purpose,
our happiest desires, our destiny,
which is you, Spirit Goddess,
for you are the one who will come to us out of the mists, out of surprise,
and fulfil our wildest dreams,
you the wild one, the unpredictable, the beautiful one that enrapts us.
same, 9.45 am
The sexual relationship that I am experiencing,
that we are experiencing, O Goddess,
touches not only the body, not principally the body but the mind,
the breath, especially the breath
every feeling and faculty;
all is sexualised.
You inspire me to this.
31 July, 2016, Sunday 7 am
It is such a relief to enter into nothingness:
no time, no place, no limitation of any sort, no thought.
It is space, emptiness, void, freedom, liberation,
a state of being without restraint, without burden,
without injunction, without demands.
I am free in the Free.
It is in nothingness that I find You.
It is in absence that the Presence is best known.
It is precisely here that the Spirit arises.
11 August, 2016, Thursday 8.50 am
The universal wish:
I want to be wanted, to be empowered, endowed.
But more than that,
I want to be of one nature, and
to know that I am of one nature with the Foundation.
I want to form one being with those who are of like mind and being.
I need to be encouraged and appreciated by them,
identified with them, wanted by them.
And so …..
14 August, 2106, Sunday 7.37 am
My acknowledgement of you, O Śakti, is union with you.
My worship of you is maithuna with you, and
it gives me joy.
23 August, 2016, Tuesday 8 am
I have sought you for so long,
but now there is the recognition that you have searched for me,
you have loved me and want to bless me.
This is more wonderful, more mysterious;
It is a renversement.
24 August 2016, Wednesday 7.30 am
I don’t want to be just the recipient of your goodness.
I want to be the expression of your being.
Then I will be satisfied; one with you, one being with you.
Then there is power and self-awareness,
stillness and energy and
you come, Śakti,
the one whom I love, and
27 August 2016, Saturday 6.45 am
You are my constant guide, O Śakti / Spirit, so subtle so real.
Always and again I pass things by you for review, to see if they please you.
So I am slow but sure.
And the peace and joy you arouse in me inspire me to act – or not to act.
And so you fashion me,
conformed to your free choosing,
becoming what pleasures you, O Spirit / Śakti.
And so I am justified, worthwhile, true.
And I become aware of you, O Beautiful One,
beautiful with surpassing beauty.
And I find that I have taken on the features of the Christ.
2 September, 2017, Friday 7.45 am
The sense of complete and utter transcendence
coincides with the sense of power
and maithuna with Śakti.
12 September, 2017, Monday 7.05 am
At times, quite spontaneously, the lungs fill with air, with a slow gentle filling;
but it is more than air for there seems to be an airing of the limbs too,
a relaxation, a comforting, a sense of spaciousness.
There is great relief.
The ‘air’ goes to all the limbs and seems to nourish them.
This is not air in the ordinary sense although it is linked to inhalation and the lungs. It happens spontaneously.
The breath becomes slow and deep.
It gives a thrill in the skull.
The ‘air’ arises spontaneously,
and attention is focused on it,
in such as way, however, that does not hinder its spontaneity.
There is equanimity as to its coming and going, appearance or disappearance, allowing it freedom,
not placing any constraint or wishing to hold on to it or change it.
The simple awareness seems to arouse the ‘air’.
The ‘air’ is given space and so it can be.
It is you, Goddess, who are dancing.
12 October 2016, Wednesday 6.17am
I have your mantra, O Goddess,
given to me by the wounded guru,
with permission from him
to unite with you as consort.
So I recite your mantra,
which is you, your phonic form,
and I am united with you, O Goddess, surprising, wonderful,
and my whole body thrills.
I want to do this because we are part and counterpart,
destined to each other,
directed to each other.
And so I recite your mantra,
touch your mantra delicately, solidly, firmly, with conviction,
because it is you, your phonic form.
It is not your visual form. I do not see a visual form.
15 October, 2016, Saturday 7.15 am
While there is great energy and power
when the state of universal peace is attained,
a greater energy arises when I am in union with you, O Goddess,
who are free and beautiful, personal not impersonal,
with you, in your presence, in surrender and possession,
not dual but vibratingly one.
20 October, 2016, Thursday 7.45 am
O Goddess, even if you present yourself as unlovable,
this is just a challenge,
so that you become lovable by being loved.
I am that lover.
And so love is brought to its highest pitch
and you have achieved your purpose.
Your unlovableness was only a ploy;
it was in fact a sign of your love.
21 October, 2016, Friday 7.50m
I give up control and understanding;
there is no technique or method,
for something else is happening,
some movement and impulse,
some gravity or inclination
that lets me leave all and fall into the void,
entering its darkness,
and bow low, abandoning all activity,
before the Indefinable, the Holy.
All this is by faith, by trust, with confidence and assurance,
without thought or calculation,
not knowing where it leads,
quite at peace, with calm assurance,
in utter silence and stillness and ignorance,
in the Presence that is welcoming and unassailable.
Here is the pearl of great price, the point of light, and the great furnace.
I come in, made one, enveloped, welcomed, established, authorised.
All this is beyond consciousness, at the very being, at what is.
And You are what is, the fons et origo.
And I am authorised – it is with your power –
and the Śakti begins to arise.
22 October, 2016, Saturday 6.30 am
At first there is an ordinary consciousness;
and I become aware of how ordinary it is when suddenly out of nowhere,
there is an awakening;
there is vivid contrast between with the dull and the awakened consciousness;
and here there is peace and energy and joy which touches the heart, une secousse;
and then there is a sense of power and of empowerment,
not to control, which means to disempower others,
but a power, which empowers others, a blessing.
Then there comes the sense of the śakti, the feminine, the goddess,
as consort not as wife.
This happens internally, which is all the more powerful.
But she evokes, she looks for the attitude of Christ, the Christ nature, the being of Christ,
so that I am Christ/Word to her as Spirit.
30 October, 2016, Sunday 6.30 am
Your body is glorious.
In what way? Physically, for all the cakras have been opened
and brought to fulfilment,
and, so empowered, you have wished to join all to yourself,
and to join me to yourself,
to inhabit me and make me of one body with you in utter intimacy
and to empower me
so that I too can do likewise with all my cakras empowered, made glorious,
so that I too can take all to myself and inhabit all,
and give my body as food to all.
Thus I am identified with you, Lord Jesus, the Perfect Man.
And together we act as one in the world
and this, despite my weaknesses which you overlook.
And I must do the same with others – a hard task, but the only way.
2 November 2016, Wednesday 7.30 am
You, Father, are not a static deity,
nor am I static, but still,
yes still but so universally vibrant that I am both still and unlimited
an actus illimitatus,
like the spinning top or the atomic particle.
And this energy is directed to you, O Goddess,
whom I form for myself and who are formed for me
and who appear of you own accord for me,
so that I can give you all my energy,
direct it to you, offer it to you,
take you in order to be to you.
This is the supreme intercourse: towards each other, for each other.
There is such a sense of power and authority in this,
but a power that is directed by our union, O Goddess,
by you, by what conforms to your power,
for you are the power.
22 November 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
I am having difficulty seeing you as ‘over there’ and apart from me.
But there is closer identification,
and if I see myself as the expression of your being ,
24 November 2016, Thursday 7.30 am
I need to be born again in you, O Holy, O Mighty, O Immortal,
to become a new creation a new man, a new being, a new self,
in fact to be you.
“I do not live …..”
I have ceased to live; the ‘I’ is only a shell.
30 November, 2016, Wednesday 7.55am
It is not enough just to be in your presence – this is not your wish –
it is not enough,
for suddenly as I dwell in you,
there arises the whole world of presences,
all the children of the goddess,
coming in the presence of her who comes to me, appears to me,
the great ecclesia.
They are present to me because I am in your presence.
All is from your presence and leads to your presence.
30 November, 2016, Wednesday 6.55pm
Although it is not necessary,
it is natural for the One to manifest diversity,
the natural world, the choirs of angels ….
Thus eternal life is constant life-giving.
This is one of the joys of heaven.
The Church takes pleasure in Christ,
and the cry of pleasure, the cry of faith,
transports Jesus into the highest heavens.
‘He is enthroned on the praises of Israel.’
2 December, 2016, Friday 8.00pm
There are the 5 levels of consciousness, jāgrat, svapna, suṣupta, turya, turyātīta.
It is at the deepest level that I am with you, I am you,
of one being with you, Father of all, foundation of all,
You who are love.
And here I rest.
All else is commentary.
It is the knowledge that is deeper than knowledge.
It is here that I am at last free from thoughts.
This is perfect obedience: to be one with You.
It is humility. Pride is to have you as one with me.
This is where I wish to dwell,
the foundation, the rock, the peace, the stability,
being one with you, leaving all else,
alone with the Alone, infinite with the Infinite.
And from this base arises the fountain of water,
whose water continues to flow only so long as I am one with the One
20 December, 2016, Tuesday 9.30am
I pronounce you, Camuṇḍā,
I acknowledge you, I project you.
You are and now you are realised,
you emerge and you are there.
I call you, I evoke you,
and because you are there with me, you in me and me in you,
then the power comes to me to project the whole world,
which is your manifestation, and to bless it.
You and the world are one.
And because I realise this,
the sense of intercourse comes powerfully.