5 January 2016, Tuesday 8 am.
You are in the Father’s heart and you are given to me.
You are the manifestation of the Father’s love for me.
You are his love for me.
Yes, but ….
Silence is the heart of the Word.
At the depths of my heart there is that wonderful Silence,
still, full, present, holy, eternal, all pervading (vyāpti).
To hear the Word is to come to the Silence from whom the Word proceeds.
There we dwell, in Silence.
In your presence, yes, but your presence exceeds all that can be said.
Your Word proceeds from what exceeds.
With your presence I am satisfied,
from your presence I come.
You Word reveals the fullness of your presence.
Precisely because I am focused on your presence
I reveal your presence.
I am your presence.
17 January, 2016, Sunday 8 am
These sensations, delightful as they are, mean nothing to me
unless they are signs of your presence,
the perfume of your closeness, the touch of your hand,
and I know you.
Once I realize this,
they become overwhelming.
You teach me to recognize you.
30 January, 2016, Saturday 8 am
I plunge into the silence, the unknown, the dark,
deep down, without support, falling, falling ….
- it is into You who are beyond all names and forms.
I can fall because you are there.
31 January, 2106, Sunday 7 am
I will not accept anything less
than to be of one being with you, Father,
no gap, no barrier, no flaw,
to be with you, to rest in you,
there in silence, no images ……
10 March, 2016, Thursday 9 am
It is the vyāpti of the mantra,
the proclamation of the Word,
the broadcasting of the seed,
the universality of sexuality,
the sowing of the wild oats,
the satisfying of the many śaktis.
This is the stance,
21 March 2016, Monday 5.30 pm
O Goddess, I want to be in maithuna with you
at the fine point of the soul,
for there it is constant, intense, fine, delicate, amazing;
and from there to experience the downward flow
enlivening all the fibres of my being:
mental, emotional, in the imagination, in the flesh.
5 April, 2016, Tuesday 8.30 am
I am your Self-knowledge,
O Hidden One, O Mystery, O Beyond all names.
But now I shall become your Word.
To whom? To all?
20 April, 2016, Wednesday 5 am
Because you are there, I can let myself go,
dive deep into the welcoming, the astonishing presence
and be ‘I am’ in your ‘I am’.
I can let go more easily, more fully, more quickly.
Because you are there I can be nowhere,
be nothing and become everything,
free, unbounded, relaxing into the void, the infinite endlessness.
Your presence is not an obstacle but an open field, a vast expanse.
This is the act of abandoning myself to come to the Self,
leaving all so as to come to the All.
The leap into the dark reveals your Light.
Wonder, wonder, wonder.
22 April, 2016, Friday 7.30am
Where are you leading me,
into what darkness, what stillness and silence,
away from all ideas and desires?
- it is lovely here, so rich, so true
26 April, 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
What does the experience of kuṇḍalinī feel like? It is different for every person, but for me today and at many other times, it is like this.
There is at first an immense stillness, an absence of thinking about things; then there is a stirring, at the base of the spine, a contraction so to speak of the perineum, and a rising movement felt in the body, a sense of expansiveness and clarity of mind, a sense of openness and truth, a sense of universality touching all reality. This is very satisfying.
But it is not satisfying enough, until there is the śakti, the sense of the goddess. Then there is the need to focus on the goddess, on her freedom, her person, to enter into union with her, person-to-person, in mutual self-giving, mutual delighting. Then there is a sense of breathe to breath, body to body. Then begins the interplay that affects every faculty, and involves all reality. This will lead further, but the time of meditation finished, the alarm went off …..!
29 April, 2016, Friday 7.30 am
It is not a question of erotic fantasy,
which is an indication of introversion and unreality
but a question of forming the imagination
and allowing it to become what it is destined to be.
For the imagination, like the rest of the soul and body,
is destined to be tantric.
9 May, 2016, Monday 8.30 am
You give me your flesh to eat
so that there is one flesh;
and I feel your flesh in my flesh,
just as you want to feel my flesh in yours,
to feel from within, not just to see from without;
to feel and appreciate its goodness and truth,
its vitality, its perfect manifestation of the good,
and to enjoy its enjoyment,
so that what you enjoy I enjoy,
what I like you like, what you value I value;
accepted, liked, welcomed, joined and ‘you are one of us’,
of one flesh, one being, one heart, one body.
So I shall contemplate you as you contemplate me,
and as you take me into your own body
so I eat of your flesh and drink of your blood,
of like mind and like heart and purpose.
28 May, 2016, Saturday 7.30 am
As I walk through the streets or go to the shops or meet with friends,
there is the knowledge that secretly, truly, hidden,
my life is with you, Goddess, in our union.
That is where I live, in you, with you
and so the One is known.
And this justifies me.
14 June, 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
This is the great pleasure:
to be the everlasting fountain of life in you.
15 July, 2016, Friday 7.30 pm
Am I worthy of your inspiration?
Here I am, take me, inspire me, fill me with your power and
make me do things unimagined.
Make me the Image of the Unimaginable.
16 July, 2016, Saturday 9.15 am
You are there, Father, of us all.
You do nothing,
for you have put all responsibility into our hands.
You are and so we are;
we are what you are;
so we form our world as we wish,
according to our best instincts, our best purpose,
our happiest desires, our destiny,
which is you, Spirit Goddess,
for you are the one who will come to us out of the mists, out of surprise,
and fulfil our wildest dreams,
you the wild one, the unpredictable, the beautiful one that enrapts us.
same, 9.45 am
The sexual relationship that I am experiencing,
that we are experiencing, O Goddess,
touches not only the body, not principally the body but the mind,
the breath, especially the breath
every feeling and faculty;
all is sexualised.
You inspire me to this.
31 July, 2016, Sunday 7 am
It is such a relief to enter into nothingness:
no time, no place, no limitation of any sort, no thought.
It is space, emptiness, void, freedom, liberation,
a state of being without restraint, without burden,
without injunction, without demands.
I am free in the Free.
It is in nothingness that I find You.
It is in absence that the Presence is best known.
It is precisely here that the Spirit arises.
11 August, 2016, Thursday 8.50 am
The universal wish:
I want to be wanted, to be empowered, endowed.
But more than that,
I want to be of one nature, and
to know that I am of one nature with the Foundation.
I want to form one being with those who are of like mind and being.
I need to be encouraged and appreciated by them,
identified with them, wanted by them.
And so …..
14 August, 2106, Sunday 7.37 am
My acknowledgement of you, O Śakti, is union with you.
My worship of you is maithuna with you, and
it gives me joy.
23 August, 2016, Tuesday 8 am
I have sought you for so long,
but now there is the recognition that you have searched for me,
you have loved me and want to bless me.
This is more wonderful, more mysterious;
It is a renversement.
24 August 2016, Wednesday 7.30 am
I don’t want to be just the recipient of your goodness.
I want to be the expression of your being.
Then I will be satisfied; one with you, one being with you.
Then there is power and self-awareness,
stillness and energy and
you come, Śakti,
the one whom I love, and
27 August 2016, Saturday 6.45 am
You are my constant guide, O Śakti / Spirit, so subtle so real.
Always and again I pass things by you for review, to see if they please you.
So I am slow but sure.
And the peace and joy you arouse in me inspire me to act – or not to act.
And so you fashion me,
conformed to your free choosing,
becoming what pleasures you, O Spirit / Śakti.
And so I am justified, worthwhile, true.
And I become aware of you, O Beautiful One,
beautiful with surpassing beauty.
And I find that I have taken on the features of the Christ.
2 September, 2017, Friday 7.45 am
The sense of complete and utter transcendence
coincides with the sense of power
and maithuna with Śakti.
12 September, 2017, Monday 7.05 am
At times, quite spontaneously, the lungs fill with air, with a slow gentle filling;
but it is more than air for there seems to be an airing of the limbs too,
a relaxation, a comforting, a sense of spaciousness.
There is great relief.
The ‘air’ goes to all the limbs and seems to nourish them.
This is not air in the ordinary sense although it is linked to inhalation and the lungs. It happens spontaneously.
The breath becomes slow and deep.
It gives a thrill in the skull.
The ‘air’ arises spontaneously,
and attention is focused on it,
in such as way, however, that does not hinder its spontaneity.
There is equanimity as to its coming and going, appearance or disappearance, allowing it freedom,
not placing any constraint or wishing to hold on to it or change it.
The simple awareness seems to arouse the ‘air’.
The ‘air’ is given space and so it can be.
It is you, Goddess, who are dancing.
12 October 2016, Wednesday 6.17am
I have your mantra, O Goddess,
given to me by the wounded guru,
with permission from him
to unite with you as consort.
So I recite your mantra,
which is you, your phonic form,
and I am united with you, O Goddess, surprising, wonderful,
and my whole body thrills.
I want to do this because we are part and counterpart,
destined to each other,
directed to each other.
And so I recite your mantra,
touch your mantra delicately, solidly, firmly, with conviction,
because it is you, your phonic form.
It is not your visual form. I do not see a visual form.
15 October, 2016, Saturday 7.15 am
While there is great energy and power
when the state of universal peace is attained,
a greater energy arises when I am in union with you, O Goddess,
who are free and beautiful, personal not impersonal,
with you, in your presence, in surrender and possession,
not dual but vibratingly one.
20 October, 2016, Thursday 7.45 am
O Goddess, even if you present yourself as unlovable,
this is just a challenge,
so that you become lovable by being loved.
I am that lover.
And so love is brought to its highest pitch
and you have achieved your purpose.
Your unlovableness was only a ploy;
it was in fact a sign of your love.
21 October, 2016, Friday 7.50m
I give up control and understanding;
there is no technique or method,
for something else is happening,
some movement and impulse,
some gravity or inclination
that lets me leave all and fall into the void,
entering its darkness,
and bow low, abandoning all activity,
before the Indefinable, the Holy.
All this is by faith, by trust, with confidence and assurance,
without thought or calculation,
not knowing where it leads,
quite at peace, with calm assurance,
in utter silence and stillness and ignorance,
in the Presence that is welcoming and unassailable.
Here is the pearl of great price, the point of light, and the great furnace.
I come in, made one, enveloped, welcomed, established, authorised.
All this is beyond consciousness, at the very being, at what is.
And You are what is, the fons et origo.
And I am authorised – it is with your power –
and the Śakti begins to arise.
22 October, 2016, Saturday 6.30 am
At first there is an ordinary consciousness;
and I become aware of how ordinary it is when suddenly out of nowhere,
there is an awakening;
there is vivid contrast between with the dull and the awakened consciousness;
and here there is peace and energy and joy which touches the heart, une secousse;
and then there is a sense of power and of empowerment,
not to control, which means to disempower others,
but a power, which empowers others, a blessing.
Then there comes the sense of the śakti, the feminine, the goddess,
as consort not as wife.
This happens internally, which is all the more powerful.
But she evokes, she looks for the attitude of Christ, the Christ nature, the being of Christ,
so that I am Christ/Word to her as Spirit.
30 October, 2016, Sunday 6.30 am
Your body is glorious.
In what way? Physically, for all the cakras have been opened
and brought to fulfilment,
and, so empowered, you have wished to join all to yourself,
and to join me to yourself,
to inhabit me and make me of one body with you in utter intimacy
and to empower me
so that I too can do likewise with all my cakras empowered, made glorious,
so that I too can take all to myself and inhabit all,
and give my body as food to all.
Thus I am identified with you, Lord Jesus, the Perfect Man.
And together we act as one in the world
and this, despite my weaknesses which you overlook.
And I must do the same with others – a hard task, but the only way.
2 November 2016, Wednesday 7.30 am
You, Father, are not a static deity,
nor am I static, but still,
yes still but so universally vibrant that I am both still and unlimited
an actus illimitatus,
like the spinning top or the atomic particle.
And this energy is directed to you, O Goddess,
whom I form for myself and who are formed for me
and who appear of you own accord for me,
so that I can give you all my energy,
direct it to you, offer it to you,
take you in order to be to you.
This is the supreme intercourse: towards each other, for each other.
There is such a sense of power and authority in this,
but a power that is directed by our union, O Goddess,
by you, by what conforms to your power,
for you are the power.
22 November 2016, Tuesday 7.30 am
I am having difficulty seeing you as ‘over there’ and apart from me.
But there is closer identification,
and if I see myself as the expression of your being ,
24 November 2016, Thursday 7.30 am
I need to be born again in you, O Holy, O Mighty, O Immortal,
to become a new creation a new man, a new being, a new self,
in fact to be you.
“I do not live …..”
I have ceased to live; the ‘I’ is only a shell.
30 November, 2016, Wednesday 7.55am
It is not enough just to be in your presence – this is not your wish –
it is not enough,
for suddenly as I dwell in you,
there arises the whole world of presences,
all the children of the goddess,
coming in the presence of her who comes to me, appears to me,
the great ecclesia.
They are present to me because I am in your presence.
All is from your presence and leads to your presence.
30 November, 2016, Wednesday 6.55pm
Although it is not necessary,
it is natural for the One to manifest diversity,
the natural world, the choirs of angels ….
Thus eternal life is constant life-giving.
This is one of the joys of heaven.
The Church takes pleasure in Christ,
and the cry of pleasure, the cry of faith,
transports Jesus into the highest heavens.
‘He is enthroned on the praises of Israel.’
2 December, 2016, Friday 8.00pm
There are the 5 levels of consciousness, jāgrat, svapna, suṣupta, turya, turyātīta.
It is at the deepest level that I am with you, I am you,
of one being with you, Father of all, foundation of all,
You who are love.
And here I rest.
All else is commentary.
It is the knowledge that is deeper than knowledge.
It is here that I am at last free from thoughts.
This is perfect obedience: to be one with You.
It is humility. Pride is to have you as one with me.
This is where I wish to dwell,
the foundation, the rock, the peace, the stability,
being one with you, leaving all else,
alone with the Alone, infinite with the Infinite.
And from this base arises the fountain of water,
whose water continues to flow only so long as I am one with the One
20 December, 2016, Tuesday 9.30am
I pronounce you, Camuṇḍā,
I acknowledge you, I project you.
You are and now you are realised,
you emerge and you are there.
I call you, I evoke you,
and because you are there with me, you in me and me in you,
then the power comes to me to project the whole world,
which is your manifestation, and to bless it.
You and the world are one.
And because I realise this,
the sense of intercourse comes powerfully.
10 January, 2017, Tuesday 7.45am
To have the same mind as you, Father,
not a similar mind, not a like mind, not another mind
but the same mind, one mind:
this is so pleasant, so real
– it is felt in the head, at the top of the head.
And at the same time to know that we, you and I,
having the same mind – your mind,
are two yet one:
this is dignity, this is truth.
16 January, 2017, Tuesday 7.45am
Just as the colours that appear from within
are intensely beautiful,
so too the sensations of sound and scent and touch from within
are intensely pleasing.
It is her sudden appearance and we unite.
Then her breath is in my breath and
I feel the stirring
at the most intimate and private centre.
17 January, 2017, Tuesday, 9.00am
So often it has been a sense of Presence, of wanting to with the One Who Is,
but this time there was a sense that He actually loved me!
“You love me!”
This I had known, but now I seemed to experience it.
6 February, 2017, Monday 7 am.
To be in your presence is to be in your love, Father of all,
love for me, yes, along with all who are, with all that is.
Secure in this love, an energy arises in me.
There is a sense of self-worth and confidence.
I am the knowledge of the love and this knowledge is powerful.
It has authority.
Therefore, I wish to project and draw to myself;
to project the different one and take her to myself
and in the union of opposites to experience the One.
This I wish to feel in my mind, my breath and in my body.
Indeed, I wish to feel and experience in my body.
9 February, 2017, Thursday, 6.30 am
When we are secure and stable in our union, O Goddess,
then the mind soars to the One, the source of all.
15 March, 2017, Wednesday 6.45 am
Ho hagios, Ho ischuros, Ho athanatos,
I am amazed at you, drawn to you,
because you are,
– magnificent –
and because you reveal me to myself,
for you are what I am, what I will be.
I wish to make myself externally what I am hiddenly.
It is a sign of maturity,
not to wish to be told,
not to wish to be encouraged by words
but to be inspired by what you are.
It reinforces in me the will to be what I am,
and so share one being,
24 March, 2017, Friday, 6 am
I need to become very small, to disappear, to be placed in you
and come out with your mind, your body, your being,
to become a wholly new person,
not myself any more but you
for you are my reality,
and as I look on myself I see you.
All thought disappears, all thinking,
only to be you,
to become a new creation,
born again, born from on high.
23 May, 2017, Tuesday, 6.30am
Things are happening here that I delight in and that amaze me. Is a significant shift occurring?
30 May, 2017, Tuesday 4 am
As I see this guru I can perceive a silence, the depth from which he comes, a silence and a depth, a transcendence which surpasses the silence and the infinite that I can find in myself and the call that I received to leave all and go into the desert. And his presence, his simple unadorned presence, is the expression of that silence. And it is also powerful.
To this guru I say yes, and I accept him and identify with him since he represents more than my dearest wish, more that I could have imagined, something surpassing all that comes from within me. And I accept to him to be the basis of my being. It is as though I were to devour him in the most complete way so that he becomes the very basis of my being, the model for my existence.
And I will do as he does, for I am being as he is. And his being leads to triumph and supremacy. He is the winner. And from his being, his very body, he creates the fullness, which he enjoys. And in this enjoyment, he reaches, and I with him, that dimension of heaven, that pleasure of heaven which was not known before.
13 June, 2017, Tuesday, 7 am
As I am dedicated fully to you,
and stand in your presence,
then comes to me in perfect spontaneity
she who delights in me
and who delights me.
19 June, 2017, Monday, 7 am
O Goddess, Spirit, you are beyond all forms,
intangible, ungraspable, free,
ever changing, and therefore ever attractive.
To know you is an endless adventure into the unknown.
You are beyond all forms, taking on every form.
In the formed I can reach you the formless.
15 November, 2017, Wednesday 7 am
I have spoken too much about you and me, O Goddess.
But you spring eternally on the foundation of Being and Word,
arising free, energetic, active, dancing
and you give rise to the variety of the universe,
bringing it into being and eliminating it, O Powerful One,
elusive, beyond control, changing and all-changing.
It is you who choose me
and within me derive the best essences and enjoy me
who am with Father and Son.
You wish to unite with me,
because I am the Word of the One Who Is.
4 December, 2017, Monday 8.09 am
You are what I wish to be.
I wish to cease to be.
I wish to be absorbed into you, undone, dismantled,
and remade as you are;
To be you, with you, as you,
so that when I see you, I see me,
and when I see me, I see you, your glory, your substance,
really what I am.
14 December, 2017, Thursday, 7 am
beyond all knowledge,
you, to whom I bow low and place my head on the ground
in wonderful ignorance.
Yet by the same token I am one with you, of one being with you, Father!
Nothing else matters.
I am with you, O Wondrous One!
This much I know and do not know.
All my being is to you, towards you, before you.
And I dwell here in the deep sleep of wonder and worship.
Then you appear on the scene, Word of God, Word made flesh.
And you are what I want to be.
Now I know my true nature.
You are and you make me be, O Holy One, O Mighty, O Immortal!
22 December 2017, Friday, 7.30 am
There is the drive to leave all, and to enter into the darkness, the beyond
and there to bow down in worship of the Holy.
This ancient drive is found among so many,
for which reason, great temples have been built.
And there to be one with the One who exceeds all else, all my else;
and so, by the strength of that worship
I am one being, one essence, one reality with the One.
And there is only one I Am.
That is the ultimate intimacy, the within of the within.
I am because of I Am, who utters my I am.
Some may unite with a woman who takes on the form of the goddess.
I unite with the goddess who takes on the form of a woman,
inner, intimate, close, forming one body.
This can happen only at the level of the Spirit,
once flesh is spirit.
28 December 2017, Thursday 7.45 am
The feeling I have is that of sonship,
that is of being of one nature with Him,
yet second to Him,
whom I worship as the fons et origo,
whom I dare call ‘Father’.
The more I bow and bend low in worship,
the more the awareness of myself disappears
and the awareness of the One Who Is predominates.
This awareness of ‘I am’ is the divine mind.
This is the inner awareness that is in me.
I am not so much aware of my ‘I am’ but of his supreme and primary ‘I am’.
And because of that primary awareness I become aware of my ‘I am’
which is now revelatory of the primary ‘I am’,
and has its substance.
My secondary ‘I am’ is of one nature with primary ‘I am’
and in relationship to that ‘I am’
such that there is the dialogue
of the personal relationship of my ‘I am’ with his ‘I am’.
Then spontaneously there arises the authority
to project and
to take and
to pour into her all that I am,
to give myself to her,
to her who comes to me freely;
to emit into her
to give her what is most intimate and sensitive to me, my essence,
so that nothing is left,
as though I become nothing any more
except to be constantly a source of emission, an unending stream.
This is the supreme power, the ultimate authority.
29 December 2017, Friday, 9.00 am
I don’t want you to call me as you did Mary, in the garden near the tomb.
I don’t want you to call me even by name,
for I have no limiting name;
but you acknowledge me,
you choose me,
you empower me with your person,
you are with me,
you send me,
you are in me,
I am in you,
we are one.
I lose myself in you,
your being is my being.
I am not, you are, and so I am.
30 December, 2017, Saturday, 9.00 am
As I become aware of you, O Hidden One,
I become aware of myself also,
and aware of myself as worthy of you,
who are beyond all,
worthy of you,
of one being with you, with your power and truth.
I stand before you
and as I am aware of myself in this way,
I am the expression of your being and reveal you, the Utterly Transcendent
whom the word ‘God’ hardly names.
And I remain in this double awareness:
of you, the Holy, before whom I bow low, and
of myself as I stand before you, worthy and unworthy.