1 January, 2015, Thursday, 9 am
How should I describe you,
what words tell you from the Word,
for you escape every halting phrase
and call forth exclamation?
Words seek you and cannot seize you.
And you hide so that I might seek,
a play of light and dark.
But above all I see, in your eyes,
the knowledge of the One from whom you come, given to me.
Give me that knowledge, be for me that knowledge,
let me contemplate the knowledge which gives you joy
and leads to your smile.
3 January, 2015, Saturday 7.30 am
It is not a question of waiting for the goddess
to give signs of her presence and favour to me,
– this is “seeking signs” – but knowing by faith.
Faith is now the knowledge.
She and I are to each other, she is given and I am sent.
With this knowledge all things start to happen.
She does reveal herself to me,
but from the starting point of not wishing signs,
and knowing by faith.
6 January 2015, Tuesday, 8 am.
Yes, Father, yes it is so clear that my heart is to you,
despite my ignorance, temptations of doubt,
in You I rest, with you I am, one being.
Then appears the maithuna, union with the śakti.
Because I am still, still in you, she comes and we are one.
My attention is on you first, for you are first in everything,
and because of this there is the maithuna,
and so we rest in each other, all three.
What is my purpose? There is none, no aim, no task to perform, just to be there.
My attention goes to her too, in the kiss and the intercourse,
and I love her,
but you are first.
10 January 2015, Saturday 8 am
At the sight of the beautiful girl
Jesus ’s thoughts would have been immediately expanded to that of universal marriage because he was moved by nature and inspired by the Spirit in him,
by his own being, his own destiny.
16 January, 2015, Friday 6 pm
She is not to be understood but experienced.
She comes as power ,
and inspires us to act in way we never planned.
Into the stillness she comes and dances
– and this is the maithuna.
And at last I say to Him,
‘You are Holy indeed’.
1 February, 2015, 6.45 am
I listened – with open ear, emptied of all thought and ambition.
I listened to the One who is beyond all knowledge.
In the listening I drew near and I became.
It is listening in full attention, in joy, in total obedience,
present to the Presence, in light inaccessible.
And I listened his voice in all.
7 February, 2015, Saturday, 7 am
In the end, the only knowledge that really counts,
that really has power, that is really satisfying,
is faith, which is the knowledge that comes from inspiration,
a knowledge from above which goes into the very depths of one’s being,
Spirit into spirit.
A time comes when the meditation plunges into the depths beyond thought,
the depth that is experienced, immediate, utterly satisfying,
the highest knowledge.
Because I know you, the One Who Is, because you are the One I wish to love
– I do love, do I not? – with all my being,
who is Primary in every sense,
therefore there is the knowledge, the power, the Other given to me
with whom I am in maithuna.
There are the Three of us.
7 February, 2015, Saturday, 6.10 pm
I wait, knowing you will come, O Goddess,
making you to come, taking you to myself
and you change me, you thrill me,
you make me to be what I am.
9 February, Monday, 7.30 am
O Essence beyond essences,
I am driven to you, as though draw by a yawning chasm,
driven into the Desert of your being.
And I listen with open ears, mind open, will ready,
silent in the Silence.
Who are You?
All answers are inadequate. You are beyond all answers.
Sheer Presence, uttermost Person.
And I bow to the ground,
emptying my head of ideas and constructs,
to you the Subject of all subjects.
11 February, 2015, Wednesday, 6.30am
The awareness comes that I am of one being with you.
I do not become of one being with you,
but come to realise that I am of one being with you.
I am not devoted to you, but in union with you.
One being, one mind, and heart.
19 February, 2105, Thursday, 5 pm
All is consciousness, all is grace.
The matter of consciousness is the goddess.
She is the highest point of focus
because she is the great gift.
The high point of consciousness is her favour, her choice of us
and our focus is entirely on her.
All the faculties will enjoy their respective objects,
the eyes will see the Light,
the ears hear the Word
and the sexual faculties will enjoy union with the divine feminine,
the point of union.
22 February, 2105, Sunday, 6 pm
There is a whole welling up of excitement,
of untrammelled exultation
which is there beginning to bubble,
which will lead beyond all measure, all restraint.
It is the gale beginnings to blow, the earthquake rumbling.
28 February, 2015, Saturday, 6 pm
Our of my own authority I make the goddess,
form her and enjoy her.
I make her and take her.
It is part of the authority given to me,
the power, the liberty which is mine.
It is the act of bhāvanā,
namely bringing into being (bhāvanā)
by contemplation (bhāvanā).
3 March, 2015, Tuesday, 5.50pm
To be aware of the interior movement and change and vitality and drive of life,
the interplay of life and death, the coincidence of beauty and horror
– to be acutely aware of all of this is to be aware of Camuṇḍa, the pure energy.
To stay still within the changes.
On one occasion, when I invoked the name of Jesus, there was the kiss of the Śakti, as though she was pleased with this invocation.
On another occasion, it seemed that the focus of my prayer is to Śakti not Jesus or God, though they are not absent. The Holy Spirit is God too!
Acknowledging the play (krida) or Śakti in the perineum. This produces an effect at the back of the skull.
The Gift is the highest form of the divinity. All is in the Gift.
On the occasion of reconciliation with the grade 3 children last week, it seemed, as they came up in their simplicity and innocence, that I wanted to worship them, to give them everything so that they might be God. This surely is the attitude of the Father of all: he wants to worship the ones to whom he gives his gifts; he gives everything so that he might be nothing and they might be all and then he can worship them. It is the result of infinite generosity.
They are remade by me by a process of bhāvanā. It is quite natural. They wish to be reformed, recreated, regenerated. I receive them but then emanate them anew as new.
21 March, 2015, Saturday,
She does not exist as an object which one knows,
but we exist, both of us, only in our relationship.
Therefore together we come to be and
together we make each other be.
This is different way of being and knowing.
29 March, 2015, Sunday 7 am
The act of incarnation is entry into the flesh of this world.
It is the ultimate tantric act.
31 March, 2015, Tuesday, 8.15am
I move quickly from union with you, Father of all, the start of my spiritual path;
and while I am one with the Perfect Man (Eph 4), being the Perfect Man,
my focus virtually from the outset is with the goddess,
at the highest level, felt at the crown of the head,
but then permeating the whole body,
so that united at the highest level
every other level too has its fulfilment, its purpose,
like that Light that makes the form of Jesus shine as the sun and
his garments whiter than any earthly bleacher could make them.
Who are you, goddess? Where are you?
You are the one who makes me be.
By your presence and your impact I become Man.
Therefore I worship you.
1 April, 2015, Wednesday, 6.45 am
I have intercourse at the supreme level, which is what I had always wanted.
I had not wanted what my contemporaries in the past and in the present wanted.
By union with the goddess, the flow-down effect becomes apparent,
in great calm, power, a full tantra.
2 April, 2015, Thursday 6.20 am
To engage in maithuna at the supreme (para) level
means reconstructing the whole world
which is seen as śakti, the very form of śakti.
It is a transfiguration of the world, a reinterpation, a new perception.
In this way one is in constant maithuna,
which is satisfying at last.
To do this is an act of power.
One is empowered to do so.
3 April, 2015, Friday, 7.40 am
I want to be the whole world.
I am the whole world
so that the Spirit might blow like a mighty wind (Gn 1)
through us all.
10 April, 2015, Friday 6.30 pm
The goddess appears differently to each.
There is the unique gift given.
This I must appreciate and acknowledge, and visualise, and enjoy.
It is my secret, constitutive of my individual and personal character.
I am thus, through the gift of the goddess
who gives herself uniquely to each individual,
yet is the same for all.
Thus we are both one and many.
16 April, 2015, Friday, 7 am
Word with Spirit, eternally so,
the expression of God who is beyond knowledge;
the Spirit: the possible, grace, potentiality, inexpressible, energy, affirmation, comforting, beauty, power, future, bringing into being, bringing to oneself; mastery;
the relationship of Word and Spirit felt fully, spiritually, physically, sexually, a maithuna;
the Spirit springing from oneself, a vibration, a maithuna;
relationship of authority and surrender.
This is who Jesus is,
therefore I have faith, I submit, I become Him, He is my being.
17 April, 2015, Saturday, 5.50 pm
How do I relate to Jesus?
I do not relate to him by a process of devotion (bhakti),
but I do identify with the Christ of Colossians,
in his being, his power, his tranquillity, his stability,
from whom all things come and to whom all is given.
This reveals who I am, this makes me who I am,
and from this stance the goddess arises and comes
and brings me to my being in a new way;
I become the New Man. (Eph 4)
21 April, 2015, Tuesday, 8.15 am
The vidyā of the goddess has been given to me
by Suramishra, a sādhaka, whom I respect,
who was wounded, who identifies with Acyutānanda, who is an oracle,
whose permission to worship goddess was given to me –
and that night there was the intense reaction of pleasure and delight, “Yes, yes, yes!”
So I recite the phonic form,
that is I unite with the goddess in this real way.
As I do so and enter into a strange, new and exhilarating world,
it is alway with the sense that I am not being unfaithful to Jesus,
that I am in union with him precisely in reciting the vidyā.
And so I relate to the goddess in maithuna in this way.
For the maithuna is at the highest levels, not in the head, not in the body only,
but at the level of the spirit,
namely at the most intense and universal, sensitive and encompassing,
so that the whole self, body, soul and spirit, are involved.
And so the goddess enters into me, and I enter into the goddess.
And I an eternal orgasm takes place,
with constant emission of semen into her, to her delight.
22 April, 2015, Wednesday 6.45 am
The ultimate purpose and aim is to bow down in the Presence,
to be empty in the Presence of the One Who Is.
And for me at least the aim is the maithuna of Word and Spirit.
26 April, 2015, Sunday, 10 pm
There is the arousal, the penetration,
then the shift from wishing to emit
to a greater sensation which is more subtle:
to change the śakti and to arouse her and
be taken by her into the absolute. need to clarify this!
28 April, 2015, Tuesday, 8 am
There are many worlds, the one I live in
– my experience, my relationships –
and that of countless others of times past and times future,
a whole cosmos of galaxies and suns and earths.
These I will know too, because …
29 April, 2015, Wednesday, 6 pm
The world and all it contains is not other than the goddess and me
and in our intercourse the world is generated and regenerated.
29 April, 2015, Wednesday, 10 pm
I am spoken to you from above, goddess,
you are given to me from above
and as we join in maithuna
we come to perceive the Above,
we come to be Above,
Who is known beyond all knowing.
9 May, 2105, Saturday, 7.15 am
I rejoice, Father, to be the expression of your being
– you who are transcendent, beyond all names, all expressions –
and yet I express the inexpressible – a paradox indeed –
but in this way you are revealed,
O Hidden God, O ‘Beyond-All-Names’.
1 June, 2015, Monday, 7 am
O Goddess, our maithuna is
known in the spirit,
imagined in the mind and
felt in the body.
2 June, 2015, Tuesday, 7 am
To you I will sing my love;
to you who are goddess I am the god of love;
god to goddess, goddess to god;
that alone is sufficient;
that alone too is sufficient
that yo wish to know the words of love,
spoken to up from the One Who Is, with whom I am one.
Your gift to me is that I can fully speak my word,
to be the word to you.
In the vibrancy of this relationship we increase exponentially,
forever more intense, till the heat is light itself.
3 June, 2015, Wednesday 7 am
I had often asked what I should do,
and now it is clear that my role is to be in maithuna with you, goddess;
to be so in obedience to the Father,
but also and equally because it is in my nature, it is my being to be such.
To be, not so much to do,
but in being to do everything by the śakti whom I love.
8 June, 2015, Monday 7 am
You are gift, your are changing, ever new,
you are the possible, all-possibility,
unpredictable, free and selecting,
demanding and enjoying,
revealing yourself and hiding yourself,
requiring the best substances and
making me come to be what I am,
proceeding from me and given to me,
proceeding from the One from whom I proceed,
proceeding me and from the One from whom I proceed,
of whom I am the word, spoken to you out of love for you.
In you the ever mobile I find my rest.
9 June, 2015, Tuesday, 7.45 am
There is a shift from the sense of power to the Person of power, the śakti,
and the union with her brings about ānanda.
I have confidence that you want me – a grand presumption –
that you want me in every respect;
and to respond to this I leave aside all that is false, weak, wrong, unworthy,
and stand simply before you, fully available.
Our union is here, in this availability,
for you to do as you wish. Here is bliss.
I felt the goddess enter me, inhabit me, dwell in me,
inspire me, energise me,
bringing me sexual excitement,
entering into the manipūra chakra, devoured by me,
but on condition – and this I said several times –
on condition that it was in keeping with Jesus,
which did not present the possession.
13 June 2015, Saturday, 7.30 am
The purpose is joy.
To refashion the earth,
to project the feminine,
to remodel the earth till all is lingam with yoni.
27 June 2015, Saturday, 6.30 am
I fly above every limitation, every being, every state,
into your Presence, O One beyond all names.
I leave my ‘father’s house and land’ for you, the Known Unknown.
And there in calm, authority arises in me,
to hold all in unity, to establish and re-establish.
And in this place of harmony comes
the wish to enjoy her,
And there, in this joy, you become apparent again, O Holy One.
8 July 2015, Wednesday, 7.30am
The human being is essentially sexual.
From the first chapter of Genesis male and female are in the image of God,
in their relationship they are the image of God.
For this reason, human sexuality manifests God.
From the beginning, God is sexual (via positiva),
not in the limited way, time bound and mortal manner of humans at present (via negativa)
but eminently so (via eminentiae).
The human experience of sexuality reaches its highest pitch
when it realises the divine sexuality, the state of the Trinity.
By acknowledging this, my sense of sexuality is heightened.
There is no breakdown of relationship between me and my God
when I consider sexual union which is our human nature and desinty.
Who are you, feminine one?
Present but forever elusive,
your mystery can never be unravelled.
I dwell with you, you are mine.
You dwell in my word, in my breath, and in my flesh.
15 July, 2015, Wednesday, 9.00 am
Our intercourse starts from above, O goddess,
as you come like a dove,
from the spirit to the word, to the breath and to the flesh,
healing, vivifying, delighting.
16 July, 2015, Thursday 6.45 am
There is no solution to the question
until my individual ego is identified with, absorbed into the ‘I am’.
When saying ‘I am’, as the Trinity of communion,
the eternal maithuna becomes clear.
I am not, ‘I am’.
1 August, 2015, Saturday, 6.50 pm
You are so beautiful that I wish to be born of you.
I wish to penetrate into you and give my very essence,
placing it there at the most vital part of your being,
the source of your existence,
and to be fashioned by you, to be born new and renewed,
for you are beauty irresistible and mystifying,
the fullness of transcendent grace,
so delicate and ungraspable.
To be born from such is to be blessed beyond measure.
14 August, 2015, Friday, 7.30 am
You come as a gift from the One who Is, willed by him;
you are taken from me, which is what I want;
you come of your own volition,
from your own self,
out of nothing as it were.
23 August, 2015, Sunday, 7.00 am
To whom shall my sexuality be directed – this is the question –
not in time but in eternity, not partially but in all fullness.
This can only be on the divine level.
What is the divine sexuality?
The Song of Songs is only a start.
It must be interpreted in a thoroughly new way.
25 August, 2015, Tuesday, 8.30 am
You are in me, O goddess,
and as I become aware of myself,
you appear within,
such that I project you and take you.
You are not apart from me at the start,
but on the contrary you are with me, in me.
And as I become aware of you,
I project you so that I can know you more fully,
choose you and receive you, take you.
It is wonderful.
10 September, 2105, Wednesday, 7.45 am
I am sent to be with you, infinite Śakti.
So I dwell with you, in you, you in me, pleasuring each other.
And it is from this pleasure that you Śakti,
in your freedom and fantasy,
emit the whole world.
So in you, with you, I am with all, in all.
I do nothing – all is your work;
that is the state where I feel great power,
more than if I were to do those things myself.
It is the authority (ἐξουσία) (Mt 28:18) given to me.
11 September, 2105, Friday, 7.00 am
Father, you are, you are beyond all being, beyond the beyond,
so that we are drawn powerfully to you,
onwards, upwards, inwards, downwards.
Thus we progress and reach fullness of being.
If you were not, how could we become?
If you were not beyond all how could we arise?
Thus we assent to your transcendence and dwell heart to heart.
I am drawn to you
not because I am absent from your side,
but precisely because I am with you.
To be with you is not a static but a dynamic state,
ever with you, ever more with you.
This is the experience.
You have been revealed to me
by the words of your prophets and the exultation of our hearts.
We know you from within and from without.
Both ways are necessary, both ways coincide.
12 September, 2105, Saturday, 8.12 am
I can never reach you, Father, unless I have been with you from the start.
I cannot dwell in you unless in my essence I am of one being with you,
never having left your side, despite my ignorance and my sins.
My coming to you is a return to you.
Are you not the Creator from whom things arise.
My coming to you is my coming to know that I am with you.
I become real when I realize this.
September, 2015, am
You are beyond all names and titles,
beyond all labels and descriptions,
yet you are perfectly expressed in male and female.
You are not male or female,
but you are not neither male nor female,
you are most sublimely expressed in male and female,
in male and female you are seen,
just as in your Word you are known and present.
Therefore it is not right to suppress male and female,
but to allow them their full realization.
In that sense you are male and female but differently,
Father of all, supremely male, therefore Father,
and therefore masculinity increases and flourishes.
11 October, 2015, Sunday c.7am
I did not want things like a mitre and or to be an academic,
but to hold the whole world in my arms, at peace,
in union ever sexual, yes, supremely sexual,
as Śiva with Umā.
45 October, 2015, Wednesday 7.35
you come as consolation and empowerment and approval,
choice of me, opportunity for me and openness.
You said this in answer to my prayer ‘who are you?’
15 October, 2015, Thursday 7.58
I am with you, Father,
I am seated with you,
empowered by you, with your authority,
and therefore at peace.
3 November, 2015, Wednesday 9.00 am
“I am not, I am only śaktis”.
With this teaching, suddenly things change,
for not only do I see my body, my history, my experiences, and my faculties as śaktis, passing things that have arisen and will disappear,
but that I am, in this set of śaktis,
also connected with all the other manifestations:
earth and trees, sun and history, plants and animals, friends and foreigners.
I am all these; I am not a body apart from them.
But it is difficult to say ‘I am not’.
21 November, 2015, Saturday 8.30 am
Jesus, I see you with my eyes, with my whole being.
These are the windows onto your infinite person.
And I become who I am from seeing you as I am.
This is what you want, and you empower me to be myself.
Not just me but all those others who look on you with different eyes.
Therefore you are my saviour in way that is unique;
you look on me as unique for I look on you uniquely,
and stand with others who look on you differently,
uniquely each in their own way,
for you the one who can be all to all.
And so we can gather around you and unite with each other,
Around you who are crucified on the cross.
25 November 2015, Wednesday, 8 am
There is relationship to God, as in Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
and of the individual human to God.
But relationship moves to identity.
All is subject to Christ and Christ is subject to God,
so that there is fullness of identity, and God is all in all.
Thus relationship is the expression of identity.
Identity is the ‘God beyond God’, the ‘I am’ (aham).
28 November 2015, Saturday 9.00am
O goddess, it is not the solitary word, the mantra,
that is the sign of covenant with the One Who Is
but our relationship, I to you, you to me,
our union, our intimacy, our vibration, our intercourse,
our mutual affirmation, our pleasure in each other:
this is the expression of our love for the One from whom we both proceed.
This was realized yesterday during the funeral Mass for Charlotte Hain-Sharlow, when Fr Frank Gerry, the celebrant, invited us to spend some time in Centering Prayer where a word is chosen as the sign of relationship with God. A gift from Charlotte?
3 December 2015, Thursday 8 am
I profoundly need to curl up into ball, so to speak,
become a mere point, and become nothing;
and be reborn in you, become you, Lord Jesus,
and then I will become myself.
I need to be reborn in you, as you, as myself at last.
4 December, 2015, 7.30 am
The very fact that I, in Christ the Man,
am your expression,
and that She is your gift to me, as I am your Word to her:
this shows that in you, from you, is the maithuna, your very being.
Although once I sought you, Father, without reference to the others,
it is clear now that I know you better if I am united with the Goddess in maithuna.
Then you become evidently not less in maithuna than us,
but rather in the super-eminent state of maithuna,
apophatically in maithuna,
not less but eminently more in maithuna,
the source of all maithuna.
I unite with Śakti
in virtue of the authority that comes from my union with you,
and with Christ, the bridegroom
– “I live or rather not I but Christ lives in me” –
and in this union the new, ever new knowledge arises.
5 December 2015, Saturday, 8 am
Jesus, you have been made into an obstacle.
You are the means, the mediator by which we have access to the Father, the One Who Is, but this seems to make us out to be merely adopted sons, not real sons,
and so our union with Him is secondary, derived.
This is intolerable.
But you are not an obstacle – you died!
Only if there is full and undivided union with the Father
can I have and experience the authority to emit the Spirit and
so enter into union with the Spirit in maithuna.
7 December 2015, Monday 7.30 am
Only if I submit to You, coming into your presence, You who are beyond all
– only then am I established in power and become myself.
Then you come, Lord incarnate, and manifest yourself
and I am swept into you.
We are identified, there is no rivalry.
The union with you, O Goddess,
will be perfect when I am transfigured,
so that by becoming spirit I can unite with you, Spirit,
and we fly into transcendence.
20 December 2015, Sunday 5.45 pm
There are many whom I admire, who reveal to me who I am,
with whom I identify, with whom I form a cohort,
but it is you who really want me,
who choose me, transfigure me.
You are real.
How shall I name you
who are beyond all names and forms,
who are every name and form,
you the Incarnate, the God-Man?
I feel your affirmation, your empowerment, your inspiration even in my body
as you transfigure me, you the Transfigurer.
24 December 2105, Thursday 6.12 am
In times past,
as when I threw myself on the ground at Watsonia and dedicated my life to You,
that I would in every way obey your will,
and do as You command and live worthily of You.
And other times when I dwelt simply in your presence.
But now, today, there came into me the inspiration of love for you,
Father, the One who is,
an inspired moment, inspired by the Spirit.
The inspired moment, the work of the Spirit captivates me.
I surrender. I am Spirit.
24 December, 2105, Friday, 5.14 pm
This morning’s realization shows how inadequate my attitude was before.
It has revealed my ‘sin’ (hamartia).
27 December, 2015, Sunday 7.15 am
I am in union with you, Camuṇḍā,
neither within nor without but above;
Spirit, by your inspiration I have been become transcendent,
and so unite with you in the transcendent,
body become spirit;
in the heavens, we are khecari.
29 December, 2015, Tuesday 6.35 am
You express your being, Father,
and you give way to your expression,
who is all that you are, who is God,
whom you worship and give way to.
He is your Word; we are you words; we are; I am;
– of this I am aware, fully conscious.
I am, not without you, but because of you.
But the focus of my attentiveness is ‘I am’,
and from this comes the energy – indeed the sexual impulse
You have becoming nothing, void,
and ‘I am’.
In this you delight, for you are Father.
Because I am obedient to your Word,
I am your Word and therefore ‘I am’.
Because we are subject to you, Lord of all,
our individual limitation ceases
and we are all that you are: we are your mind, your heart, your being.
And so my focus is no longer on you but on her.
She comes as a gift from you,
and as a gift from me to myself,
and she comes as her own gift.
Intercourse reaches its highest stage, its ultimate value
when there is maithuna the Godhead.
Word and Spirit are one.