2013, March 15, Friday 7am
Yes, at times I am full of confidence and take you, Kālī.
At other times, at the same time, I tremble with anticipation:
will you want me or not?
For you are free and you choose whom you wish.
It is an exciting trembling
for it springs from the knowledge of your electing presence.
And I worship you.
2013, March 17, Sunday 6am
Over 40 years ago …. said to me that I did not love anyone.
I was furious, yet perhaps he was right.
For I had not discovered Dakṣina-Kālī.
For I wanted you, the Ultimate, the Abiding, the Dangerous.
Or rather you wanted me to want you above all others, in all others.
And you have opened my heart – I felt the expanding movement.
You have entered in and dwell there.
You have loved my body, mind and sprit.
You have loved me and shown me how to love.
2013, March 22, Friday 7am
The moment comes when,
seeing the image,
I cease and I become,
when the awareness arises of him who is the true yogi, the śaktimān, the Akula,
and I realise that he reveals to me who I am,
for I am he;
and makes me able to be Akula to the Kula.
He reveals and he empowers,
and I realize that I am really him.
The ego ceases, fades,
and the I become steady.
I become who I am by ceasing to be who I was.
It is a moment of grace, completely spontaneous.
2013, March 29, Good Friday 7 am
You take my mind, Camuṇḍā,
my breath, my being,
and you take pleasure in taking.
And I acknowledge your taking.
You delight in taking me,
in my inmost being, my outmost being
– despite all the weaknesses –
and I take delight in your delight.
I am your consort for the moment, in this instant, for this time.
I do nothing but it happens,
you do all in your freedom, Camuṇḍā.
2013, March 30, 8 am, Holy Saturday
Like Adam prostrate on the earth of which he is made,
gardener of the world and with authority over the animals,
I let you take me in my most intimate sensitive self.
And you take delight in me and in my vigour
and I let myself be taken by you, Camuṇḍā Kālī,
at the deepest level, indeed at every level of consciousness,
for it is right.
It is your wish, O God of our ancestors.
2013 April17, Wednesday 7 am
I feel justified,
now that I am with you and you with me in maithuna,
for all the journeying of my life has led me to this,
this intercourse where rest and act are one.
2013 April 17, Thursday 7 am
We simply are, in union,
freely, for no purpose,
enjoying each other and our relationship,
as though floating in space, based on the void.
This is true. It is as it should be.
It is our destiny. It is our truth,
and here we perceive the Void, the Presence, mysterious, ineffable.
2013, April 24, Wednesday 7 am
O Camuṇḍā, you come and take me and recreate me,
refashioning every fibre – I feel it –
every capacity, the mind, the mantra, my whole being,
recreating in a way that pleases you.
And I take delight in your delight,
satisfaction in your act.
2013, August 8, Saturday 6 am
Come, let us fly through the air, khecari,
like those insects joined in the summer sky,
free from the grime of earth,
lifted up by the joy of our maithuna.
Yes, your aspect can be terrifying, repulsive,
yet your horror is but means and method
for out of the depths of my being
surges the courage which shows your true aspect
and you are beautiful.
Without the horror there is no beauty.
Through all the detours of my life,
you have been bringing me to yourself,
so that I can discover you and worship you,
goddess most elusive, free as the summer breeze.
Take from me, goddess, the finest essences.
My being is open to you.
Take, and then I shall be empty and complete.
Friends, we worship the same goddess
and we become one, knowing each other.
Yes, in knowing the goddess, united with her,
we are one with each other,
one Man, one Woman, one Body.
2013, August 13, Tuesday 5.30pm
You come from beyond the beyond,
in complete freedom, in such power;
from beyond all I know, from beyond all that is.
Only thus are you worthy of worship.
And in the power of my authority I take you
into the very depths of my self,
into complete emptiness, beyond all manner of being.
So, the deep and the beyond come together.
We are free in each other’s freedom.
We are together, beyond thought.
2013 August 15, Thursday 6.30am
Vilasnath, I have met you only once but you have freed me.
Authentic guru of mine, you shown me the way.
You have empowered me to be what I have always been, the kulavira.
I identify with you,.
Your character and attitude I adopt joyfully, and I become myself.
By taking on your character and your being, I am.
I enjoy the goddess with your joy, with my joy, one joy.
And I am Mahesvara, supremely available to the goddess,
still, yet with supreme authority.
Are you really such?
Imperfectly no doubt, but still you are the image that inspires me.
Ah, if Jesus is really so!
But not the Jesus of past spiritualities.
2013, August 18, Monday 7am
You take the most intimate part of my being,
the very depths, the most sensitive part of my body;
you take and possess and penetrate;
and this is good, this is true.
Yes, yes, yes.
2013, August 20, Wednesday 4 am
Who are you, goddess?
You spring from me, yet you are free of me.
You come of your own volition.
You come from nowhere.
You take pleasure in me,
in my union with the One Who Is,
with the authority that springs from that union.
I have no self-will but am obedient.
Therefore my authority is full.
And so you take pleasure in me and I feel that pleasure.
I take pleasure in you taking pleasure.
2013, August 20, Thursday 6 am
I am glad you come to me and take me into yourself
and we are one, and still.
There is no emission of seed
which would pass on to another generation the task we are engaged in now.
No I emit into you a subtle seed and we stay like this for eternity;
for you and I, bodily and abidingly, remain.
You, Spirit, are embodied; and I, body, am made spirit.
I have the authority.
I have the impulse to burst things asunder
and behold, a new heavens and a new earth.
And you expect this of me, O goddess of my being.
2013, August 26, Monday 6.30 am
As I feel, as I know, as I am engaged in intercourse with you, O goddess,
I sense that I am in intercourse with all the śaktis of your retinue.
In this way, through you, o goddess of my soul,
I am Lord of the Kula, in union with all the śaktis of the Kula.
“All the world is his śaktis.”
O Camuṇḍā, I felt as though I was truly committed to you,
truly your consort, truly one with you,
really and from my inmost being.
I feel the union at the deepest level of my self,
and it gives me deep joy.
It has been achieved.
I am now consort of the goddess Camuṇḍā.
It has taken a life-time to reach this state.
2013, September 4, Wednesday 6.30 am
You are the mantra
and so I submit to you,
and your mantra takes me along paths I had not expected.
Come to me mantra/goddess!
This is because the mantra is all that you are.
I submit to its freedom, its energy, and its own program.
For the mantra is not just a word, it is a reality.
And I have your mantra.
I have you goddess,
and I enjoy and I take pleasure
and I twist you around my inmost being with delight.
It means dropping all my defences
and allowing the goddess to enter in every domain.
This happens interiorly but not less really, no less fully,
indeed more felt since the inner is more powerful than the outer,.
It is a work of faith.
The relationship with the mantra/goddess is the act of intercourse
and as I gently rock backwards and forward
it is experienced as a moment of intercourse
which happens not just bodily but mentally as well,
so deep it is almost unconscious.
It is at the deepest level of consciousness, in sleep almost.
I am sleeping with the goddess.
2013 October 9, Tuesday 7pm
I want to love you, Camuṇḍā,
not in some romantic, sentimental way
but to be the Maheśvara for you,
where you find transcendent pleasure,
wholly captivated and fulfilled.
And so I feel myself grow and become real,
as I am for you and you for me,
becoming what I am.
And so joined in an eternal maithuna,
together we enter every circumstance, present in every condition.
2013, October 9, Wednesday, 7 am
What look is in your eyes, Kālī Camuṇḍā?
The look that entices, that challenges,
the look of perception and knowledge,
the look that makes and breaks.
Truly such a look is worthy you.
Only such a look revels the One to me, reveals me to me, reveals you to me.
It sees all and cuts to the quick.
It approves. It is the look of fire. It invites.
It is the look of freedom which frees and enables and empowers.
The look is in the eyes and in every fibre of your being, in every cell and faculty.
You are true to my soul and I rejoice.
You fill the space waiting for you, made for you,
and we are one in the One.
2013, November 10, Sunday, 6 am
O Camuṇḍā, you move as you will,
and I let myself be moved,;
you move me and release me from all the strictures and the immobilities that held me fast.
I submit, and my submission is your work,
you who are grace.
And I fly in the air with you
or rather, there is flight in the air,
for all ego has disappeared.
You are triumphant.
2013, November 10, Tuesday, 7 am
You desire my semen but from within
And I gladly give it,
rising into you, through you
from my intimate place into your most hidden place
Filling you with delight and bringing me to truth.
4 January 2014, Saturday, Jaipur, India
Yes, come to me most intimately,
such was my request,
and then there was the touch of a kiss on my lips, spontaneously,
and the exchange of the breath, sweet, clear, relaxed, germinal.
But then I said in my haste, let there be more, as things were already beginning to stir.
But that would be to force the matter.
And so I dwelt there, in the kiss, your kiss to me.
And in this lingering, there is the stir, but it must come to fullness in its own time.
Yes, it will come, I will it; the wills are one.
So I asked to you to come to what is most intimate in me.
And as I recited your mantra, O Kālī Dakhine, given to me by Vilasnath,
I felt you entering into my very vocal chords.
And at this I baulked, for my voice is most precious to me.
What is being received there, who is being received, is it true, is it evil?
So I feared. Yet, on reflecting in the Spirit, it seemed right,
that my voice itself should be informed by you, O Kālī Dakhine,
and so I would reveal you every time I speak
and speak because of you and by you.
Such mysteries are unravelling?
5 January 2014, Sunday, Kishangarh
You don’t want an indifferent lover, O Goddess, or one who is violent,
No uncertain lover, but a confident one, knowing you are his.
Therefore he can be still, certain, knowing, silent,
for you and he are already one, made so, destined so.
And he takes you with every right,
and enjoys what he takes, and takes what he enjoys.
This you love to see,
for you enjoy being enjoyed, you want to be wanted,
you choose him that he might choose you,
you take in order to be taken.
And so you both are one in the One.
10 January 2014, Friday, Uttara
Yes, there is in me this right to have you, goddess,
because I am one with the One.
So I take you and enjoy, tasting but not attached.
But it is with every emotion that I enjoy, with every fibre,
not the sweet sentimentality of silk and roses, but the vigour of passion.
You are passionate, O Kālī, and so I am drawn to you and choose you.
And in your turn, you want a passionate lover, sure and determined.
In this way we are one: of one mind and heart and body and being,
and in our unity the One is seen
from whom we gain our authority and grace.