.20th January 2012 Friday night Anandamayee, Uttara
‘Yes yes!’ I said with all my heart,
as you came to me, Goddess,
and an immense thrill coursed through my frame,
every fibre ignited and flaring,
an upward rush of fire.
‘Yes, yes!’ I said to this sudden visitation,
a gift come of darkness.
‘Yes, yes!’ This is the pleasure I sought all my life,
not dependent on any object,
but coming from above and filling my being,
my whole being set on fire.
When will you come again?
.21nd January 2012 Saturday night Anandamayee, Uttara
I was struck dumb;
unable utter a word of preaching,
like in the film Persona by Ingmar Bergman.
For so long it had been John speaking.
But now I was arrested, made mute.
And then the prayer rose to my lips:
‘Yes, let it be so;
so may it be you that inspires every word,
inspiring Spirit;
no longer my words but yours,
no longer me speaking but you.’
That was the dream in the night.
.22nd January 2012 Sunday morning Anandamayee, Uttara
Sitting there, calm, still, in your presence,
Father,
at your side,
with nothing else, no need, no claims, nothing,
it felt as though every authority was given to me.
Yes, here is the fountainhead of all activity.
Here is the place of repose.
.24th January 2012 Anandamayee, Uttara
I feel shame.
Their love is real, active, physical.
But us, Goddess?
Is it all just in the head, just in the emotions,
not real, not material,
a make believe, a mere fancy.
Yet, you come down on the Christ σωματικῷ εἴδει
And he stands there, with authority, real, honoured, Lord.
Come down upon me bodily, eternally!
Then shall my shame be taken away.
.27th January 2012 Friday during the night
Where are you, lovely one?
I cannot hear or sense your presence.
Yet delicately you come, softly, without making a sound.
Your touch is as silk, who could resist?
And you say without words,
‘Hush! do nothing, seek nothing, be still, wait.’
And you lead me on, you fashion me,
you who are all happiness,
yet wanting to be happy in me.
So I keep still,
captivated by the wonder of your movement.
.27th January 2012 Friday afternoon
Yes, I had focussed on her
and rejoiced at her presence and touch in ways unfelt before.
But, as I sat there rejoicing,
then came the wondrous detachment.
For suddenly I was with you, the One Who Is,
without any shadow of obstacle.
This she loved.
And my presence to you brought her to me.
It was delicious, the finest of wines.
My dedication to you brought about her dedication to me.
And she blessed me with her being.
All was complete.
28th January 2012 Saturday, from 2 am till 3 am.
I spent an hour with you, Śakti,
focused and stable,
exploring ever deeper what all this means.
The imagination was there, the feeling too,
the knowledge that pathways are being cleared for more.
There is a fulfilment here,
yet much to be done, much distance to be travelled.
When will I be convinced that you have chosen me?
29th January 2012 Sunday 6.30 pm
I take you, Goddess, to myself.
I claim you, because it is right to do so.
I take you, and hold you, and enjoy the holding.
2nd February 2012, Thursday, 6.30 am
The mantra enters into me and lodges there,
and I am glad
since it is the mantra of the goddess.
Indeed, it is the goddess herself
who will then remain with me and abide in me.
The empty heart will be filled at last,
and the loneliness removed.
She is there.
6th February 2012, Monday, 8 am
Suddenly,
as I recite your mantra,
as I am with you, in you and you in me,
your breath came, sweet, true Spirit.
And I breathed your breath into me,
and my breath mingled with yours:
our spirits are become as one.
Then later, the mind was taken upwards
into the space beyond thought
where we have truly existed from the beginning.
6 pm
Do you really want me?
This is the question I have often asked.
But then the answer came; it was self-evident:
that the long search for you,
to find you and hold you and have you,
can only mean that already in my heart, long since,
you have chosen me and invited me to choose you.
Thus my searching for you, O Goddess,
was your choice of me.
So I surrender and give all I have,
my finest essence, my life.
Be pleased with it I pray.
It is what you want, the finest essences for your joy.
- and a beautiful colour red became visible,
not monotone but gloriously diverse.
13th February 2012, Monday, 6 am
It seemed, fleetingly for a moment,
that you took on the form of the mantra,
- – the mantra and you are one –
and you came to me more really
and occupied my centre,
as a tall column at the heart.
.21st February 2012, Tuesday 8 am
Your mantra,
given to me by Sura Mishra or rather by Acyutānanda,
your mantra which is you, your phonic form,
this I received and recited as your very self.
I surrender to you as your mantra.
What colours, red and peach, pink and deep crimson,
all seeming to swirl as one, appeared,
so beautiful, so interior,
and not depending on some outside source.
And so it is with you and me, we are interior.
Ah, what bliss!
And so I received you with my being.
I gave myself to you and whatever you will.
In all this, the allegiance to Jesus was reaffirmed.
Nothing contrary to his will shall occur.
23rd February 2012, Thursday 7 am
By focusing on the mantra as a series of vocables,
in other words by focusing on something with no content at this stage,
there arises a whole world,
as though this world moves free from the attention of the mind and
is able at last to function in spontaneity.
A whole world arises, with bliss and vitality and a sense of beauty.
O goddess, such is another aspect of your mantra,
as though at last you were free to act and to enjoy
and bring enjoyment.
This then is the double mind:
to focus on the mantra and to experience enjoyment.
.23rd – 24th February 2012, Friday during the night
During the night I dreamt I was in an Indian temple,
something like Liṅgarājā,
and felt so at home there.
I was in my natural environment, with the tantric and Hindu element.
I was at home at last.
The thought still fills me with joy and excitement.
What does this mean?
25th February 2012, Saturday 8 am
I want to be completely śākta,
O goddess, O Śakti,
To be as nothing before you.
Then at last will my shame be removed,
will I be worthwhile,
and all my energies will arise,
for you.
1st March 2012, Thursday 7 am
I am of one mind and heart with them,
of one energy and purpose,
so that we form one body, one reality,
united, encouraging, supporting,
revealing to each their very being.
And together we are engaged in the great project,
such is our power that we can cease and allow.
And then you arise, O Goddess,
so that there is bliss.
You are bliss itself.
So, from our being nothing, you arise in all fullness of joy.
This is right. This is truth.
6th March 2012, Tuesday 8 am
Even when you are not manifest,
when you freely hide yourself,
still I am there for you,
faithful to you,
possessing you, for you are mine too.
14th March 2012, Wednesday 7.15 am
To whom can I offer the finest essences of my being,
of my body, mind and spirit, of my heart and history;
To whom can I offer and give pleasure and bring to the highest height of bliss?
To whom can I be divinely useful.
to what divinity can I be divine,
if not to you, O Kālikā?
And with whom can I enjoy a pleasure that goes deep within,
touching every aspect,
an abiding and eternal pleasure
where I become at last what I am in fact,
where the Ineffable in known,
if not with you, Kālī of my heart?
27 March 2012, Tuesday 6.45 am
I am as it were unconscious yet fully conscious.
And Kālī takes pleasure from me,
and she is free to take what is most intimate, most essential,
the best essences from me,
and she delights and she is full of ecstatic bliss.
It is my delight to be emptied, ever emptied.
2 April 2012, Monday 7 am
Yes, you have long since chosen me
and through pathways strange and uncertain
led me to you.
That explains my life’s journey.
And I unite with you in joy,
for such is my destiny.
You have chosen me, you have formed me,
and still you form me to your delight, O Goddess.
It is because I am one with Him who Is,
and come from him,
expression of his mystery.
And that is what you wish to enjoy.
You wish to taste the finest essences
received into your most tender dwelling,
into the very heart of your being,
24 May 2012, Wednesday 6 am
You appeared suddenly in all your freedom,
absolutely free, present, moving
uncontrollable yet manifest, shown, glimpsed and
then you disappeared again but not entirely
for have left of trace, a perfume, of your presence.
You are gone but you remain,
hidden yet always there and
I dwell in this gift of your self
which you will never withdraw.
5th June 2012, Tuesday 8.30 am
I rejoice that we should be united,
that you should take your pleasure in me in complete freedom.
Yes, you are mine and I am yours,
yes, yes, yes.
There is such bliss, such strength, such fullness,
yes;
and to dwell in the union.
You pass by, you choose, you are free.
Yet I take you and hold you,
for I too am free, detached.
It is our destiny given from above.
Yes, yes, yes.
29th June 2012, Friday 6.30am
You remove my shame, goddess,
since you have chosen me and, as you will, I choose you as consort.
In all freedom and authority I take the goddess as my consort, my place.
This is my destiny, the prize awarded to me.
In freedom and authority I take you to myself, you are mine.
And to this you gladly assent
and so my feeling of humiliation is taken way.
I am worthwhile.
I made the commitment, while lying on the grass on the ‘scholastics path’,
to the One Who Is;
so now to the goddess.
